tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78833172916669873232024-03-19T08:46:06.622-04:00POST TRAUMATIC PATHSTravel notes of a devout woman going madheather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.comBlogger145125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-45067940948488224082012-09-25T15:45:00.003-04:002012-09-25T16:46:15.963-04:00It has been some time since i have written in this blog, even though weirdly, it doesn't look like it on the blog.<br />
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So many changes and experiences have happened since my last entry, i feel compelled me to return.<br />
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As you know, my style of writing has always taken more of a 'biographical fiction' slant because much of it is opinion; maybe not yours....all mine (!!!) and i do not require that you agree with me - to the contrary! <br />
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My Uncle Charlie used to say "without conflict there would be no dialogue" so if my ideas conflict with yours, let's talk about it, that's cool.<br />
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I know there 60 billion blog places and 555 billion bloggers, so here, in my tiny world of words, I would like to talk about how we think about "what we're doing" and "where we are going" as people with PTSD. <br />
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I believe this disorder is still misunderstood by many people including therapists, social work community workers to psychiatrists and family physicians. More people are opening up; more people are writing about what's going on with their lives and about living day to day with PTSD (chronic or otherwise) and this adds to the literature which explains "what's going on" with this disorder. This can only be a good thing!!!!<br />
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All of this is <i>life long learning </i>but a worthy thing to write about, i think.<br />
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So, here goes! Back to the Blog, Bob! It's time to get back into the conversation. heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-42250711835938015452012-01-21T02:08:00.001-05:002012-01-21T02:08:21.368-05:00So, we tussled and it was long overdue and it's a long way from finished. And i wouldn't actually call it tussling so much as clarifying. I can't share my true beliefs with her because they are heretical!, er, different from hers (but still Christian). God/de that woman had fire - she turned me right on. Some people are just ALIVE with Jesus!!! Jesus freaks, we used to call them!<br />
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She contends that Jesus can heal my illness. I say God/de is using my illness and i wouldn't have me as anything but where i am. Suffering is not anathema to the Christian - it is the "narrow path" of which the Lord refers to. It ain't no ferris wheel. But it's strong and tempering "pruned and molded".<br />
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Without faith, i doubt if i'd be here. Faith is omni-inherent. Faith in God/de, faith in yourself, faith in Confucianism. From Orthodox Jew to the blackjack player, faith is a big deal. But what of the one who suffers. Suffering is omni-inherent. I must remember that everything around me is omni-present but not necessarily inherent.<br />
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I had an "episode" at Christmas related to my medication. I was experiencing extreme mental anguish, so much so it was completely impairing me and my functions. We chose (rather, i suggested) Zyprexa....i just couldn't think of any other "type" of psychoactive drug that might make a difference. Right away it was ZAP - GONE. The anguish lifted. It was heaven. But in my 'infinite wisdom', i thought i shouldn't introduce a new drug at xmas time so i went off. By Christmas Eve I was certifiable. And i was so incredibly selfish. I still think mental illness is a character flaw. It is sad to think that way.<br />
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I had an "episide last August so i've had a bit of a journey. I have to go see a shrink and have my meds reviewed. Groan. Dr. S. (the one i'm booked with is so yukky. I used to accompany people i was working for there and he was nuts. I should be grateful i worked in the field to have this inside information and i thank god/de that i have enough brain cells left to investigate things plus the resources (thanks to my beautiful children to do so. If he goes for complete med change then i will go for a second opinion.<br />
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There is so much information and experience i can share about the experiences as my final analysis is complete "but not right now....soon....but not now"! (the Gladiator with Russell Crowe who, in my dream world is my boyfriend!!). It took me this long to write this. I don't like writing in the first person so i shall focus on issues as they come up.<br />
cheers, heather<br />
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<br />heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-49549424173292083502012-01-16T05:36:00.000-05:002012-01-16T05:36:30.407-05:00Two or ThreeI tussled with a good friend today about faith and understanding. I have a pretty broad knowledge of things theological. A solid enough foundation anyway with lots of experience under my belt now. Anglican, Roman Catholic, Faith and Healing Pentecostal-type dudes, Quakers and (as a child) complete ignorance!<br />
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Evangelist.....must be the most difficult job outlined in the Bible as tasks for His Believers. People actually do decry them often. "Pentecostals" i used to say until i understood the distinction. Pentecostalism is "wo/man made" as a denomination (practically) of Christianity. "Evangelist" is a "calling", if you will - a desire to participate and share in their understanding of the faith, speaking of what is good and uplifting. Evangelist reinforces and uplifts the believer and non-believers alike. S/he can bring them in and they can steady one's path and you see the power in your decision to follow what Jesus said was the thing that brought us closer to God/de than anything: LOVE. I've never been attracted to that type of passion. Except for Billy Graham. I likee his position on ecumenicism and most humbly offered his interpretation of the fath. His sincerity shone through often.<br />
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Many people say "God to church" to people with poor mental health. Not easy to do when you have social phobias. An so i think, ' let the image of "two or three gather in My Name" remind me that i don't have to go to formal "Wo/Man"-made church. <br />
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My friend is an Evangelist but i told her she should be a preacher - she's really good at it. <br /><br />
So, remember: Next time, you tell a depressed, anxious person to go to church, remember what courage it takes to say 'no' and say why and think "...when two or three...."heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-91671979762032407252012-01-15T19:50:00.002-05:002012-01-15T19:50:32.651-05:00I could not get into my account the past month and i wanted to blog SO much; it is insane how addictive "blogging" can become. The illusion of anonymity and allure of faux connections!!heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-25447206290799998942011-12-21T00:38:00.002-05:002011-12-21T00:38:38.405-05:00O, crikes, i really don't have enough objectivity to write in this blog right now. Blessings for the Holy Days.<br />
heatherheather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-18452424769203384692011-12-14T22:58:00.001-05:002011-12-15T15:07:54.537-05:00Some thoughtsi've been interested in the concept of "nationalism" (as you all know!!) there is a wide body of differences in cultural approaches to mental health around the world; some filled with shame and fear and lack of knowledge; others supporting acceptance and understanding for people. Being advocates for people. That's what i'm trying to teach my grandson. Anyways, I met new neighbors across the street. There country of origin was Pakistan and the woman had alot of difficulty with the language and her mother, father, four-year old and one-year old live all together. I'm very excited - a new culture in the neighbourhood. So, it's always, cultural differences, countries of origins and generational ties to a certain geography. We don't know how to live in peace on this planet. My first and only argument with government is that is corrupt overtly and overt corruption (which is just as bad if not worse (ick, passive-aggressive, behind your back, derisive kind of ick. ).<br />
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So, back to mental health - i wish there was a way to take away the stigma of "being a woman" is carried buy most couples i supported from that mid-eastern area of the world would tell you outright that male domination is normal and natural even to the point of the woman accepting abuse. When i worked with people on the street, i saw that happening to everyone. but i would replace male domination with system domination here. Aye, Aye Captain Harper, lets march on to Victory. God/de this world is crap. Women should organize a coup or all the male dominated postions and politics - that'll show them!!hahaha<br />
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My mental health has been up and down since the incident (which shall not be named), mostly down with depression. I was deaf so i was ok with the kids but physical manifestations of stress is common for me. I used to like Louse Hayes work on emotion and body (Rubenfeld Synergy; Feldenkreis). So, you're deaf? What do you not want to hear!! I'm better now - i think that i've got things figured out. I think the guy i was going out with was a prick and i have to get over blaming myself for "fucking" the relationship. God/de, my mother bloody BATHED me in guilt when i was a child. In the venue of - "i am not the centre of the world" - i do realize that if i ignore body/mind connection and how important that is then i lost perspective. Same with spirit and emotion.<br />
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You know, 'acceptance' is a simple word to write, to say and to define but sometimes even IMPOSSIBLE to achieve. But still, as wounded healers (Henri Nouwem) we must say what the "thing" is, face it and see it's viability, liability. Is it a burden still, like Robert DiNoro carring a large satchel of rocks up to the top of the mountain because his self-recrimination was still in him.. I feel that way about abuse sometimes. So much energy in the world is wasted because perpetrators do not realize the pain they put young children in when they touch them inappropriately; such pain as some go mad with the memory of it and some who walk around with pain from it. I've seen that several times in my career. The expectations of my job were not realistic. My supervisor had even less line experience with serious mental illness than i had! She was an amazingly nice woman and very talented but as a team and with my not yet diagnosed by rampant disabilities but definitely my anxiety was rising to "Never, Never (again) will my life be the same Land)!!! O god/de, the stories i could tell but i must sleep or the troop will just steamroll me in the a.m.a<br />
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<br />heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-79394624399802897212011-12-09T12:02:00.001-05:002011-12-09T12:10:55.645-05:00IntegrationMental health as a topic, as a matter of course as a broken leg or emphysema, brought into conversation whenever it is needed like, please don't yank my cast or please don't smoke around me, i would say, please allow me to speak more slowly and on some issues, speak too much. Please forgive the twitch in my right hand as i am surrounded by people i don't know. I'm sorry about my difficulty finding change for my coffee. Please be patient. I'll get there in time.heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-27654626229595750162011-12-05T05:41:00.000-05:002011-12-05T05:41:35.821-05:00<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">An
elder was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A
fight is going on inside me ... It is a terrible fight and it is between
two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret,
greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority. The other
stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth,
compassion and faith. This same fight is going on inside you, and inside
every other person, too." His grandchildren thought about it for a
minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The elder simply replied... "The one you feed."</span></span></h6>heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-73000285246288138982011-12-04T05:41:00.001-05:002011-12-06T09:31:11.061-05:00Dying of a Broken HeartI had thoughts about my mother's craziness tonite and was remembering the details of her death, how uniquely "hers" they were. A complicated woman and one who did what she didn't want to do for her entire adult life I call that 'the gals' prison'.....yuk, what a generation. No options, no power, sexist biases every where especially when a woman thinks of leaving her husband. Well, how would you live? O, thank GOD/DE for Betty Friedan and Germaine Greer. Anyways, of course, after having lived the life she didn't want, at the end of her time, facing death, she exercised the one power she had left. She wouldn't let my father come and visit her. Her final word - NO. She'd scream and holler when he came near the room. He finally stopped going but it wasn't long before she died anyways. She became senile/demented, very serious for a few weeks and died within four months in hospital. Beside her bed was a book entitled "Dying of a Broken Heart" - i've
seen it at the book stores but never read it, of course! It was very sad compiling her eulogy
because she was so much more than just a "housewife"..but she didn't see it, or felt she couldn't be it. I
saw it and i shared her sorrow over her losses in her life. Also beside her bed was a slip of paper on which she had written in shaky hand: "Be still and
know thy God/de.". You could tell
there'd been some effort put into writing it down. She'd never been religious that i remember. <br />
<br />
My dad's death. Well, it was weird and hard and somewhat a relief (because of all the caretaking i did, while holding down a full-time job and raising a young girl).. The call at night and the rush to the hospital and i stayed and wiped his forehead with a cloth saying "You've been a good father". Just repeating that and he would nod his head, oxygen mask taking his voice......and looked in my eyes and nodded his head over and over. Then......he died It's amazing seeing someone's last breath leave them. So so painful. Leaving him at the hospital was very hard, i remember; disorienting, to say the least. I also feel bad because when my bro and sis-in-law and i were there together i told a joke. The nurse's must see that all the time, though. So many responses to grief.<br />
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Our mother was cremated, my father as well. But with Dad, there a viewing and a service with his body present. My mother donated her body to the University of Toronto (typical). At Dad's funeral a majorly cool jaze/blues singer belted out that mournful cut from Sibelius, The Four Seasons (i think) - 'Going Home'. Anyways, I'm telling you all this because personal histories are important. Seeing, hearing, reading, writing our lives, straight out, as they happen, the patterns that emerge and the mistakes and the joy and the sorrow. Aging is really over rated but with it comes wisdom and that always involves responsibility but does bring peace. That's why the Native people of North America revered their elders and held them in great esteem. Many cultures do, still; ours does not.<br />
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I went to my "old" home and picked up my hot pink lawn chairs, my wheelbarrow and my favourite hoe, a lovely wicker basket i'd found somewhre I drove by where my ex lives and and my jaw dropped at the luxury and beauty but it was in syncht with what he feels comfortable in, you know, regarding his "style" and "influence: and "status". I'm not judging, i'm just saying...<br />
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<br />heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-78805998337188458432011-11-27T21:23:00.001-05:002011-11-28T12:52:09.154-05:00Every region, every province, every country has a different response to people with mental health issues. Some have no tolerance, some over-plan till they get it all messed up, some have compassion but no resources but not one "gets it". A recent experience in the hospital reminded me of how poorly people are treated who are mentally unstable and how much pressure is put on them to "buck up" and get back into the saddle. Mostly, it's because there is nowhere to "put" people! It's very difficult for the unstable and for people who's mind is murky with drugs and confused with what is real and what is not, to find a "home". A home where one can be loved, can be real and/or to choose to live alone or with people who understand the challenges (and not berate them or discount them).<br />
<br />
You are a dollar figure that needs to get released as
soon as possible to decrease costs. Of course, this is the case with
every medical need in this country, the 53rd state.(or whatever people
call Canada these days)!<br />
<br />
People often think the mentally ill are faking it, i think....maybe for sympathy, maybe so they don't have to work or whatever. It probably happens but, man, it would be weird to keep that up. Before my diagnosis i had to work SOOOOO hard to "play" normal because i needed to work, i wanted to work, i loved my work, it was satisfying in so many ways, i miss it so much, really. I think the word they use for faking is "maligning". "Is the patient maligning"?<br />
<br />
I feel questioned as to my motives. I feel so "monitored". Am i making good choices or am i going to act crazy and do something i shouldn't.<br />
<br />
Isn't it alright to pull over when i get lost and just wait until i remember where i'm going? Don't you think i wish i wasn't pulled down into depression and unable to get out of bed. Don't you think i'd like to go everywhere, anywhere without planning for probable, imminent disaster. My experience is that mentally ill people are often not trusted once they break down. That's why i think this whole "recovery" and "community" business is government funded crap talk: the only thing they could come up with to rationalize the increase of people with mental illness in the community (because it's much cheaper (as in MUCH) cheaper) to keep "them" in those big buildings. I was and still am in favour of the closing of institutions but "psych" wards in hospitals? Um. No thanks. I'd rather be at risk. I encountered so many people in my job who would NOT go to a hostel or hospital or go on welfare because then? You're in the system.<br />
<br /><br />
Haven't we talked about the exploitation of the mentally ill and/or the homeless. O, yes - it's got it's own economy: <i>Money Mart, Pawn Shoppes, Price Choppers, Dollar Stores, the various church associated second-hand clothing shops/ furniture (</i>but the antique dealers usually snatch up the good pieces early)<i>, No-Credit Needed</i> furniture and appliances stores (including t.v.'s etc.) <i>and charging you 29% interest, </i><br />
<br />
I feel sometimes (it's kind of sneaky suspicion) that people exploit my illness at times and it is a HORRIBLE feeling, let me tell you. It erodes my trust in that person (for several moments) but at the same time (50/50), she/he might be right. Maybe you did say the 23rd and i wrote down the 32nd. You're right, of course. How silly of me. Goodness. But i always go on the side of the person because i don't want my trust broken. Think the best and the best will happen, says Mary Poppins, she does!!<br />
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And God/de -i'm not the crazy one. Look at the crap our grandchildren are watching. I caught my eight year old watching something inappropriate on YouTube (of all places!). Well, you bet i got him off that pdq and i told his parents and i know the boy who introduced him to it; i feel like going to his parents. Grrrrrr. Makes me think of Marx and alienation,. George Orwell and Animal Farm, some of the top science fiction writers over the years - telling us, pointing to a dim future for the earth, for the peoples of the earth if they continue to allow capitalism to guide them and i surely do believe that, mister, take that to the bank. <br />
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Digressing: kind of tired.<br />
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PTSD - what shall we do? How will you manifest, what will we see.<br />
Let me distinguish myself, if you please:<br />
i won't make a promise i can't really keep<br />
and I'll remind you of the devil's deals while asleep.. <br />
<br />
My current favourite fabric design is "Tartan". I think my son-in-law would say "Achien" (sp), meaning "strong opinionated woman.. Ah yes - the strong Scotswoman who has your back!! That's me! Smile (despite what a doink i am!!!). God, didn't we talk about eroding self- esteem? Stay tuned, ladies and gentleman for episode # 2 in the ongoing saga: "Will the Scotswoman survive"!!!<br />
<i> </i><br />
<i> </i>heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-66910878195509287352011-11-20T18:57:00.001-05:002011-11-20T19:06:48.087-05:00i do not want to go to therapy as i'm probably making clear and there is this feeling that life has been taken out of my hands and placed in someone else's! Is this what i'm supposed to learn? That being with God/de is like that and i should learn over and over how to do that. I'm very poor and i've made the same mistakes that i made before which also left me without any resources. I'm sad about it but why is it happening again? I don't understand that one. I haven't learned the lesson, i guess. <br />
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I feel very discombobulated by everything that's happened and confused about what parts i want to share.<br />
<br />
i know that i'm not sure about tomorrow and the sun rising and all that but i'll stick around the see the outcome! I promise to stick around!heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-42270918395511716882011-11-17T15:35:00.001-05:002011-11-20T18:56:43.673-05:00The reality is no one reads this thing.<br />
:o, jeez, i might as well write in my journal!", i said to myself But isn't it just the lure of the audience that the artist yearns for and certainly there has been a grand testimony to that, since the internet. It's fabulous. The art, the video art, the new writing, the old, music that swings (Tab Benoit) and music that sings (Etta James). The musician and the actor are affected and effected by this constant affirmation of their art (after EVERY performance!!) But writers? Artists? It might take a lifetime and you might be dead before they discover your special brand of brilliance and insight!!!!hahahahaha<br />
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My lesson from today was "you're a sick puppy, lady and you better get your act together or they're going to throw you into the loony bin. Hmmmm. Yes, "you've got yourself into quite a kettle" - my doctor said!! which got me thinking about the definition of RECOVERY! What the hell is it, then? Is it the ability to be happy and cut your meat properly and pay your bills on time and drive and smile, smile, smile. O, I really was angry this a.m. and i let the world know it. I'd had it. And then the email from the lawyer guy. I have to learn to live with other options, that's ok. <br />
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Well, these personal things aside, i am experiencing a prolonged sense of discontinuity - of not being attached. It's a bit depressing, actually. I miss my house on Victoria, which was ripped from, my sheepdog torn from me and some of my precious little family treasures kept along the years lost in the shuffle. A teddy I'd had for ages and ages. My parents died twenty-five years ago and my brother twenty years - things get boiled down to photographs and old birthday cards. <br />
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If i hear there's a rat in the cupboard, mind you, ha!, I'll find it! It's just there's something wrong that went down and i'm trying to isolate what it was and what was it composed of and how come i got the short end of the stick. Again. Jesus, Mary and Joseph - I'm like a magnet for drama. I'm so tired.<br />
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Now i have to go to some insipid but kindly, older lady. I don't think we match but she's a lovely older woman. I don't know - i'm being right up front with her, though. For me - talk therapy doesn't work. I feel like talking about myself about as much as i'd like an iron pot 'on side o' my head'!!. I know all the antidotes - i used to spew them out, day after day, my whole career. I just don't see the value of them anymore. She wants me to design the therapy, so perhaps i'll i do something psycho-dramatic. It could be cool. <br />
signing off,<br />
Inspector heatherheather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-13256278374644976812011-11-16T17:48:00.001-05:002011-11-16T21:07:15.444-05:00Basically whackedI have been going through a blender with regards to the "breakup". The most touted line in history must be: 'i wish i'd never met him/her'. I was reading a piece on Meghan Fox who described the end to a recent
relationship that was so painful, she still could hardly speak about
it! Two years long, she'd suffered. God, have mercy. <br />
<br />
i seem to have been depressed ever since i saw Dr. B. on Monday a.m. Sometimes he tells the truth - i hate it when doctors do that!! but as far as the "breakup" - all will follow its natural course.....life will prevail. I will start with loving myself and see how that goes.<br />
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None of what i'm going through makes sense. But this is not the time to be thinking My immune system is in bad shape. i've lost interest in food, friends, going out, talking, relating, bathing (highly over-rated), hair is almost totally grey now, haven't had it styled for almost two years. Even spiritually, i feel like a dry leaf flying down the street - aimless and useless. Plus, i'm deaf (cold) and i can't hear any conversation which is a drag but in this house, it is a total blessing (three children under eight). I just smile and watch them fight! Wheeeeeee - what fun as one kicks the other, the next one screams, the other one cries for dinner and over and over. And the funny part is, the way my budget is, i will NEVER be able to move away!! I think i'll invest in earplugs. Lots of seniors will be moving in with their kids and the kid's kids - well, this is why the young have babies!! <br />
<br />
BTW - i lost eighty lbs. and i didn't even get a carrot stick from the doctor! (I met his goal in 11 months). But now, i have no energy and my anger has no place to go but IN (leading to depression); very low affect. Want to sleep all the time. No energy. Confused. Basically whacked. heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-295754051035983602011-11-13T21:36:00.000-05:002011-11-13T08:15:59.739-05:00Lightening rod from hellOk. Here's the deal. I just went through a breakup and have been through hell, didn't like it, got out, but but but but.....nothing makes sense. In my mind. In my intellect at this particular moment and always. Yes. I had dignity ripped from me again and turmoil and injury are following me like my shadow. The mental case: Language and mental health. Interesting topic. (I can't believe the ebb of duplication - abrupt, insane thoughts going through my mind). It was, well, hell!!!! (as it would be for anyone). But the "how" of the break-up will never be told. And to me, that is not justice but discriminatory. But, don't the injustices in life be funnelled through one point and right now that point would be ME!!!!!! Seriously, I feel a dart board. <br />
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So in and through retrospection of the TDT (two day tsunami), I discovered a crack in the system, an important one, and i want someone to notice it with me. It feels important to do this so i'm exploring venues on how to deal with the issue: medical malpractice? I'll keep you informed, of course, but the experience has naturally affected my mental health in a TOTALLY unacceptable level of intensity and frequency of the symptoms. This "injustice" might be important in the long run (in terms of planning) but short-term may help me more fully understand what happened. <br />
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My life situation now involves my daughter, her husband and their three children, aged 8, 4, and one. Yes. Two friends have come forward that i didn't really expect would. Nah, the one, for sure. N. will always be there for me. <br />
<br />
Will it ever end?<br />
<br />
Will what ever end?<br />
<br />
I am getting more treatment so i suppose that's good but i hate social workers - I've had three bad experiences with them over the years that have coloured me, of course, but just the telling and re-telling and hashing over my "issues" is too hard. I get worse when i do it. But i do get very tired, keeping it inside - i'm for lettin' it all hang out there. NOT!! I want discretion and dignity, keeping it all straight is good and having a good <b>advocate</b>. If only i had a secretary following me around!!! At least there are no other drugs they can give me (i think!). Enough is enough. But it's not that of which i am concerned. It's the mental legitimacy of a mental patient's view. Competency, i guess. Truth or fiction - you tell me? Really, people think there's no way a mental patient could also be sane. <br />
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I put Owen back on my page. I miss him so much, i ache. I feel sick walking by a pet store and i slow down and watch, whenever a large dog goes by. So. I don't want to forget him.heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-86511941002569508372011-10-29T10:08:00.000-04:002011-11-14T19:57:51.266-05:00I don't like the new style format and so might find a different spot to blog. I'm going to snoop around.<br />
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So much of life is sometimes unexpected. Conception, revolution, creativity, death, inspiration, divorce, mental illness, et al. Vie - mais oui? I've been the raving she-wolf sometimes because of injustice and then purring mommy cat, wanting to give give away - the T.V., the car - anything, all i have. That, i realized is why i have nothing! <br />
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I used to worry alot about that - why did i not have an attachment to "things" like my siblings did. but the better question now is, "why do i want to give everything away?". And, truthfully, i think it's a bit pathological and obvious. I want to be accepted, fear of staying in one place, a sense of "place" by being different, the whole ca-ca deal with that family thing with the will (o, god/de). etc. blah, blah. But there we see it as "pathological". What if it was simply philanthropic? What if it was a desire to give all because of some spiritual end or human compassionate act. My Aunt Mary used to say "Charity begins at home". No - charity is everwhere after your needs are met. So what are my needs? Maslow's whole list, i suppose. That's about it. <br />
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But now, i am trying to cozy up for the winter in my new digs. I like them and i like that my granddaughter (age four) can come down, snuggle and fall asleep in my arms in bed with me. I'm CONSTANTLY losing things and she is the best retriever EVER!! My little darlin'. "I know where it is, Nan" - she says to me. One day i heard my grandson tell one of his friends trying to explain why something wasn't ready - "You know how Nana forgets things sometimes" and the friend said "O, yeah, right" - no judgment, just a statement of fact!!! It was very cute. <br />
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I have always enjoyed being around young life and the crazy, exciting years of development. I also enjoyed the young students in University who i lived next door to - i think i had met four sets of them. One fellow was particularly endearing to me. I miss him alot. But here are these young people with dreams id going into the world to make as much as they can. My most recent ex used to get so discouraged as a professor - seeing how conservative and market oriented many of the youth are. But i would always encourage him - the liberal battle is worth fighting. If we but touch one life...So little focus on teaching the classical, past and current civil unrest has defined every country. What matters more - things or people? There are so many things and with the deification of Steve Jobs technology is, and will remain the present and the future. I am a complete BONEHEAD because i don't want ANYTHING permanent. It scares the hell out of me. <br />
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REDO - i used to love to redo my life, my home, my city, my friends, etc. I was the "Queen of Change". At some point i stopped enjoying it as it became an onerous curse and chain around my neck. Like it is right now. I just want to huddle down for the winter - ( Gol/de, i'm freezing in this house!! - but i'm a firm believer in "well then, put on a sweater"!!, an admonishment my mother would say to us at the cottage when we were talking 'see your breath in the morning' cold' !!!.<br />heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-57176132213362703752011-10-27T22:39:00.000-04:002011-11-14T19:57:50.973-05:00World Series - could be final game if Texas wins. Don't know whether to root for our League or the underdog (St. Louis Cardinals) I miss watching the ball games with my no-longer partner. I mixed my meds up today and took the evening ones in the a.m. By noon i was having a panic-attack, crying when i finally got home. Poor son-in-law but he is such a compassionate man. I'm feeling much better about being in my new digs at my daughter's home. One day at a time. I love being with the children more and i am making some old connections again.....reaching out. The last "reaching out" left me quivering in a mass under the covers fending off flashback but i'm not going to let that deter me. Game tied; top of 7th. I miss the dog, you know, but sometimes a dog is in your life for a special reason and then they provide service to someone else and i know he is with a good dog-owner and will take good care of him. I went to the Humane Society and it was sad to see if there were any comparable dogs but they were all WAY too tense and active for me. I'll try next week. <br />
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I don't think people realize how many people are one cheque away from being homeless or poor, poor, poor. living with family.when or while the inevitable plays out. It's crazy...in more ways than one. The latest figures for WELFARE and ODSP (Ontario Disability Support Program). Welfare is a program which will demand the individual provide documented efforts for looking for job. It provides 586.00 / month. ODSP provides..1264.00 per month and is provided for individuals with disabilities which, more than likely, will not improve over time. The welfare payment does not make sense and is not a living wage. ODSP is way under the poverty line and yet these programs are touted as appropriate and that the job market will be able to accommodate them. You are allowed 3,000.00 in bank at all times. Any more money provided from any source can be used to prepay a funeral or continue helpful therapies. I'm sure there's other reasons but i forget what the are. The only connection for people is <br />
<br />heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-55773564884478649532011-10-27T04:05:00.001-04:002011-10-27T04:05:17.181-04:00Mental health and justice system, etc.I'm pretty much still sad but things (separations, deaths, etc.) take time to heal. It has been almost two months. Today was a very bad day with flashbacks and complete exhaustion and confusion. I went out yesterday and met WAY too many people. There was not enough time to respond to everything and just images today float by with the difficult ones rising to the top! I wish i could manipulate the internet better because i saw this photo the other day that SO pictures one aspect of PTSD on film. It depicted how their are two views, two 'lenses' if you will, that sufferers see or experience. Interpretation is everything. Reality is irrelevant. I thought today - why me? - you know, is this some kind of Sylvia Plath (without the suicide) thing? Does this make me a more "authentic" artist. I can't do tech stuff. Does mean i'm supposed to write? I am a very anti-social person now. Is that because i am to be alone, completely alone to write? Not sure where this is coming from but you know what i mean. I'm tired, i guess and feel like complaining.
The main thing i wanted to say was about a story i heard (from the horse's mouth) - as in HEARD vs."read"!! - about her recent experience with the justice system; being apprehended under the Mental Health Act (for talking about suicide), waiting in the emerg for six hours until a G.P. comes and says "you were just trying to egg him on, right". She said - "Yeah, for sure, that's right" (anything to get home) and off she went back home in the back of the cop car. Later that day she was charged for acts of, what she guesses someone interpreted as criminal. She did not. Again, it is all in the interpretation and there are always two sides to every story. That being sad, our PTSD woman was processed under the "Mental Health Diversion Program" in the court system where those, who do not have a record and who have mental health issues can apply for and, if successful in complying with the orders set down by the court will have the charges expunged after a year. She was released to her family after having spent almost two days without her meds, sitting in a cell about 3x6 overnight, frozen with a cement slab to lie on and the most disgusting toilet she had EVER seen and probably the ultimate humiliation there (for her) was being VIDEOTAPED when everything she did, including peeing. I asked her if anyone heard her side of the story, of what you saw happen. No. They did not. She was a mental patient, had threatened suicide the night before and did not "have a story". In her state of mind, it was determined, she could not see the truth. We PTSDers are crazy but we're not bloody stupid. The whole episode, as she described it, made me ill. My therapist reminded me this week - you don't get "justice" from the courts - that's not what they're designed for!!! I laughed at how right on she was.heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-42836755162419439622011-10-01T13:19:00.001-04:002011-11-14T19:57:50.891-05:00October first - one month later. <br />
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There might be mitigating factors in this tragedy which would be interesting to go over more objectively through and certainly "cleansing" but a stain's a stain. You can't meditate this type of pain away. You can MEDICATE it away but how sad and lonely is that place that has no voice. but not punching even can never truly be achieved. It reminds me of the time i lost my entire family (four siblings and all their children) after the reading of my mother's death. One of those seriously life changing event which might be traumatic if i wasn't such as the Mulligas' are made - strong and sour, ready to take anyone on! wiser than you might think and puffy - thinking they're something a tad better than any one else. <br />
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There was one Mulligan, though, Gerry the eldest's, eldest son. He was an odd boy - saw him squish a frog one day to see what it was made of - he didn't know that it was wrong to do that. Jesus. Ach, as a teenager, young adult and on to adulthood he needed watching. He had the good fortune of getting hired by the factory in town and he did a steady, menial, semi-mindless job of putting one bolt on the hatchet and passing it down the line - this kind of job. Got paid for that and he contributed to the household generously. This was his redemption ticket and he knew it. <br />
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Margie, his sister was way past her prime at twenty-seven and was not what you'd call a comely woman. Over time it soured her and it become too difficult to keep the facade up and - oh, that beautiful smile she saved for the gentlemen - she became resigned to being single but her family were ever hopeful. <br />
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You'd think it might've been easier for the eldent McGregor, but the challenges kept up. After the last child, his wife had a stroke. Not much to do but keep her clean, fed and in the wheelchair but hell, it takes alot of his time. Margie picked up the slack but she didn't mind. It's not that she had anything elso to do. Her mother's disability just became part of the family's life. The neither objected or critized how life had changed, they just adapted. <br />
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<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/1506.Elisabeth_K_bler_Ross"></a>heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-26496783228291141372011-09-01T18:10:00.000-04:002011-09-01T18:10:31.076-04:00I'm sadLove's gain is pain and breaking points and so much confusion and anger at promises made and played out like battles fought and lost in No Mans' Land. Sadness inside of illness. Loss inside of a broken heart.heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-90292963576249243822011-08-27T07:02:00.001-04:002011-11-14T19:57:51.316-05:00The party line is - you mustn't milk the kindness of others. By the by, the sea rolls in. Mother Nature winked and yawned and spawned and cringed and recoiled and spat out storm after storm, her rigid fury now unstoppable for war crimes against nature, she will not waiver. In seasons past, the stage set, the lights dim, then twinkle, then stare back. Do i glower, do i groan? Do i bemoan? Yes, all of that and more!! The moon will not rise, the woman wail again and then? The Son becomes a Father no more. <br />
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The party line is - take your faith and your conscience and your morals and values and priorities and fundamentals and shove them up your ass. Take your breath away, how many are contained by our limits and how little we think, offer, give, contribute, provide when really, the playground never changes. The rules never change. We always give what we can, when we can.<br />
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So, i scowl and shake, stutter and stake my claim on Parliament Hill that never can i be and neither should i see ignorance in defense of logic by nonsense inferred, deferred, hurled back like tornado roaring through town, scratching a line for us to decipher. It's not worth it. At some point in one's life, doesn't one just wonder if it's worth it. Left-turn, right turn, full stop. Yield. Breathe. But, dear reader, if you think "it" is life, then let me hold you and remind you of every living good thing on this sacred earth. But no, i enter into no contract of ego that lets me think my life is in my hands, when, really, it never, throughout my life, has been. And happily never so!!! My life belongs to Life. There are others, always others. These choices people keep talking about - when do i get some? Everybody says that. We're, all of us, pretty much the same, i think. We want to watch our children thrive. <br />
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heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-8418969339084102532011-08-07T22:08:00.000-04:002011-08-07T22:08:44.743-04:00Emotion, thought, behavior?....or thought, emotion, behavior....or emotion, behavior, thought. <br />
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PTSD is, to me, primarily an EMOTIONAL disorder made manifest by the BEHAVIORS of having difficulties in establishing meaningful relationships, expressing misplaced anger or rage responses inappropriately, agoraphobic fears of small places, open spaces, who's behind, what's ahead, alienation with family, making poor (sometimes disastrous, panicked) decisions with money, difficulty with maintaining employment, lack of proper boundaries - getting too close, too soon; stung by flashbacks without warning, triggers lurking everywhere; needing regular recuperation time - three or four months at a time. So tired. Sleep. No panic. Sleep. no fear. Sleep, won't think.<br />
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PTSD is, to me, an emotional, behavioral and MENTAL DISORDER collapsing emotion and behavior into one mental quagmire involving memory lapses and flashes and flaws and monster rationalizations. To go out now, i ask: how do i get out of this? Why did that happen way back then? How is justice delivered? Will "so and so" help me fill out my tax forms? Will they please stop calling my short term memory loss "cute". Why can i recite a Shakespearean sonnet i learned in high school and now not be able to read for ten minutes? Why can i write these words but never could write case notes or do statistics O, sigh.<br />
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PTSD is, to me, A PAIN IN THE ASS.heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-26775199437616474462011-07-21T11:05:00.001-04:002011-11-14T20:01:29.383-05:00R. is gone; my life starts nowMiracles happen according to interpretation. A miracle to you, a curse for me, same way with the concept "recovery". You get it, i don't. What about hunger? I eat, you die". I'm pretty sure the idea of life having no absolutes presupposes the phenomena of "miracle". This begs the question - why you, not me? Life sucks, where you are or where you've been or where you're going. Whatever. At some point, it sucks. I've landed into "el Depresso" a Western town populated by sad people. Really. I'm working on being chipper but i'm feeling pretty restrained financially and that always bums me out. This one is heavier though - has more "pieces" to it. I've several epiphanies but nothing has panned out yet. <br /><br />My new mantra is "R. is gone. My life starts now". That got me thinking how HORRIBLE it is to be treated in mental health facilities (except Homewood Hospital in Guelph, Ontario - a good, healing Centre). They get it there. You're a person. Something happened but you're still a person. Everyone i know and see, views me through a mental health lens now. Yay. I think that's why i like to be alone alot. No 'pictures' are being taken. I'm very paranoid about communications technology (probably why i seem to have some kind of curse with my cumputers!!)..., actually - the effect of WiFi especially, the cell phone complete takeover of the world and brain, the little pluggie earphone things that wreck your hearing by the time you're forty. What is a land-line anyways?!! O, man - it would be a miracle to slow down. You know - once in a while i like it when no one knows where i am and they have no way of getting in touch with me. It's very freeing!!<br /><br />Hyper-vigilance has always made sense to me as it expresses in fear of the people around and my ALWAYS have to be vigilant of who is near me. Safe? Yes? No? i also can get over-whelmed with too much sensitivity arousal. Every arousal sensation or sound is amplified and is difficult to process. It starts to create confusion which can throw me into a flashback and i'm gone! I really have to live alone. Who ON EARTH would ever make sense of anything to do with my brain and then want to live with it!!!hahahaha. Well, life moves on. R. is gone. My life starts NOW! <br /><br />P.S. Margaret Trudeau (ex-wife of a previous, now deceased Prime Minister, Pierre Elliot Trudeau. She makes me sick. No "normal" person can afford umpteen (or five years of therapy sessions, etc. etc. Of course you feel better. You've made a ton with your books!!!hahahaha<br /><br />I really am praying for the grace of strength to hold my ground and stay clear of any thoughts i have of future relations with R. Ross is gone. My new life starnt nowheather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-86583090767436688402011-06-29T23:23:00.004-04:002011-08-07T21:29:06.939-04:00Alexander Samuel Kofi Bempah Aboagye - my third gorgeous grandchildBefore i start to tell you,<br />
you must believe in pumpkin pie, rich and fine<br />
all made by someone else, so secret but near the celebration of abundance<br />
with balloons flying high;<br />
not even a cry as you trusted and trusted and giggled in time.<br />
<br />
The story is of Alex, babe and toddler now, <br />
he came to the crawl with bumps on the head and strategies brewing<br />
He circles the house, lets see what's here<br />
He does the crawl and perfectly so, intent and<br />
with purpose, exhibiting perfect form, of course;<br />
consider his lineage! <br />
<br />
Steady goes the course with a world to see and say<br />
and as his siblings discovered long ago,<br />
charm goes a long, long way, <br />
It helps to pave the way!<br />
<br />
Happy and even, interested and thoughtful, <br />
he's Alex the man. Hey, Mr. Alex - we love you.<br />
Hey darling baby, you are cute and calm and cuddly.<br />
My third as blessed as the rest,<br />
presenting yourself in his way, as he is:<br />
beautiful.heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-66360004336238883922011-06-23T09:16:00.001-04:002011-11-14T19:57:51.092-05:00Brain Drain<i><b>Effects of PTSD</b><br />
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"Of the 2 million Americans who have served in the current wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, at least 400,000. or as much as 20 percent, have developed or are at risk of developing PTSD, a psychological condition caused by exposure to severe trauma.<br />
<br />
Some 23 million veterans, like many people, will later face more common illnesses, such as cancer, heart disease and Alzheimer's, as a function of aging. But a growing body of work shows these diseases may be exacerbated by traumatic stress, the researchers found.<br />
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For example, veterans with PTSD are two to three times more likely to develop heart disease than those who do not have the disorder.<br />
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"These are young men and women, most of whom do not yet have heart disease," said Dr. Beth Cohen, a staff physician at the hospital, in a statement about her research. "If we can learn why they are at greater risk now, we can find ways to help avoid heart disease later in life."<br />
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Unlike heart disease, no effective ways to prevent or treat Alzheimer's disease yet exist, but researchers are studying soldiers' brains to learn more about how combat-related stress affects the brain's biology and increases the chance of developing Alzheimer's.<br />
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They have found that a section of the hippocampus - the part of the brain that is devoted to short-term memory and learning new things - is significantly smaller in veterans with PTSD. Researchers are trying to determine if this smaller section can grow over time with therapy and treatment for stress.<br />
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"It's possible new stem cells, new brain cells are made, or it's possible the existing neurons or cells get plumper or have more synapses and connection," said Weiner, also professor of medicine, radiology, psychiatry and neurology at UCSF. "Nobody knows. Our ability to probe the brain and understand these mechanisms is really limited."</i><br />
S.F. Chronicle<br />
Victoria Coliferheather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7883317291666987323.post-55772716720004919352011-06-18T11:27:00.001-04:002011-11-14T19:57:50.942-05:00I have to walk Owen every day but some weeks it is every other day. I try to get excited about doing it because it is THE highlight in his day we both feel better afterwards 'Funny', i thought on my way home today, 'i feel mentally just as SHITTY as i did starting out'! I am drowning in paranoia (which makes me doubt my thoughts waves of guilt and anger (righteous or otherwise), emotionally drained and mentally frazzled or dopey, depending on if i choose to take prescribed medication. <br />
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Mind/ Emotions; Physical/ Spiritual.<br />
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I've been working on what defines stress (from my perspective not withstanding all the measuring tools out there (ie. death of spouse/parent - 100; marriage dissolution - 80, etc, etc,heather annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02667797188495674584noreply@blogger.com0