So, we tussled and it was long overdue and it's a long way from finished.  And i wouldn't actually call it tussling so much as clarifying.  I can't share my true beliefs with her because they are heretical!, er, different from hers (but still Christian).  God/de that woman had fire - she turned me right on.  Some people are just ALIVE with Jesus!!!  Jesus freaks, we used to call them!

She contends that Jesus can heal my illness.  I say God/de is using my illness and i wouldn't have me as anything but where i am.  Suffering is not anathema to the Christian - it is the "narrow path" of which the Lord refers to.  It ain't no ferris wheel.  But it's strong and tempering "pruned and molded".

Without faith, i doubt if i'd be here.  Faith is omni-inherent.  Faith in God/de, faith in yourself, faith in Confucianism.  From Orthodox Jew to the blackjack player, faith is a big deal.  But what of the one who suffers.  Suffering is omni-inherent. I must remember that everything around me is omni-present but not necessarily inherent.

I had an "episode" at Christmas related to my medication.  I was experiencing extreme mental anguish, so much so it was completely impairing me and my functions.  We chose (rather, i suggested) Zyprexa....i just couldn't think of any other "type" of psychoactive drug that might make a difference.  Right away it was ZAP - GONE.  The anguish lifted.  It was heaven.  But in my 'infinite wisdom', i thought i shouldn't introduce a new drug at xmas time so i went off.  By Christmas Eve I was certifiable.  And i was so incredibly selfish.  I still think mental illness is a character flaw.  It is sad to think that way.

I had an "episide last August so i've had a bit of a journey.  I have to go see a shrink and have my meds reviewed.  Groan.  Dr. S. (the one i'm booked with is so yukky.  I used to accompany people i was working for there and he was nuts.  I should be grateful i worked in the field  to have this inside information and i thank god/de that i have enough brain cells left to investigate things plus the resources (thanks to my beautiful children to do so.  If he goes for complete med change then i will go for a second opinion.

There is so much information and experience  i can share about the experiences as my final analysis is complete "but not right now....soon....but not now"!  (the Gladiator with Russell Crowe who, in my dream world is my boyfriend!!).  It took me this long to write this.  I don't like writing in the first person so i shall focus on issues as they come up.
cheers, heather