POST TRAUMATIC PATHS: I can't stand the noise

February 6, 2008

I can't stand the noise

I can't stand the noise, the noise of people, traffic, machines, television, telephone. I can't see all ways and every corner is like engaging enemy lines. I won't go here, i can't go there, i'll faint if i don't get home even if i have to claw my way. I can't stand the race of voices, the rush of thoughts bouncing inside. I don't like that noise either. The noise my medicated feet make in their slippers as they drag across the apartment floor. I don't like it at all. I just can't stand the noise.

1 comment:

Jaliya said...: Yes, yes, and yes: your family loves you, you have great legs, and your lover accepts who you are! I can say I've got two of those...not sure about my legs :-D

I love reading your thoughts, hon...I share so many of them. Noise = hell ... Rage: much subdued and thank Creation (and pharmaceuticals!) for that ... bread: oh, yes: bread. Comfort food, especially with cheese...

Wise woman; healer: you xo; Thursday, February 07, 2008 1:15:00 a.m.

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About Me

i was diagnosed with chronic and complex PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder in 2004. Required annual assessments for my insurance company confirm the original diagnosis. My M.D. is my constant medical support.

I am fifty-six; have a sweet family which includes my daughter and her partner and their three GORGEOUS children.

My life (since age nine) has been informed by several traumas, all of them yukky. Over time, "yuk" became my only viewpoint. In 2004, a new trauma cracked me open and there i was, surprised to find myself in "Never, Never (again will i have my old life back) Land". A nervous "breakdown", if you will; a major depressive episode requiring hospitalization.

It became clear to me that untreated PTSD is MISERY and HELL and i was living it. With a diagnosis under my belt, seeing few alternatives for treatment, I chose medication and talk therapy. Talk therapy didn't work out for me but my meds (and supports) hold me together. I continue with symptoms on a daily basis, some severe but i have made adaptations because of my illness for a better quality of life. I had almost, almost lost my mind - i never want to experience that again. and i do everything (except commit suicide) to prevent it from happening.

This is my Post-Traumatic path - to discover "me", behind all of "it". It would be nice if "it" had never happened but a life's to be lived in whole, not in part .