This journal wanders about. It's poetry, reflections, snippets from other stories and ideas of others, and my own pot luck thoughts reflecting the transparent thinking of this post-traumatically stressed, majorly depressed social phobic before and after my breakdown.

September 25, 2012

It has been some time since i have written in this blog, even though weirdly, it doesn't look like it on the blog.

So many changes and experiences have happened since my last entry, i feel compelled me to return.

As you know, my style of writing has always taken more of a 'biographical fiction' slant because much of it is opinion; maybe not yours....all mine (!!!) and i do not require that you agree with me - to the contrary! 

My Uncle Charlie used to say "without conflict there would be no dialogue" so if my ideas conflict with yours, let's talk about it, that's cool.

I know there 60 billion blog places and 555 billion bloggers, so here, in my tiny world of words, I would like to talk about how we think about "what we're doing" and "where we are going" as people with PTSD.   

I believe this disorder is still misunderstood by many people including therapists, social work community workers to psychiatrists and family physicians.  More people are opening up; more people are writing about what's going on with their lives and about living day to day with PTSD (chronic or otherwise) and this adds to the literature which  explains "what's going on" with this disorder.  This can only be a good thing!!!!

All of this is life long learning but a worthy thing to write about, i think.

So, here goes!  Back to the Blog, Bob!  It's time to get back into the conversation. 

January 21, 2012

So, we tussled and it was long overdue and it's a long way from finished.  And i wouldn't actually call it tussling so much as clarifying.  I can't share my true beliefs with her because they are heretical!, er, different from hers (but still Christian).  God/de that woman had fire - she turned me right on.  Some people are just ALIVE with Jesus!!!  Jesus freaks, we used to call them!

She contends that Jesus can heal my illness.  I say God/de is using my illness and i wouldn't have me as anything but where i am.  Suffering is not anathema to the Christian - it is the "narrow path" of which the Lord refers to.  It ain't no ferris wheel.  But it's strong and tempering "pruned and molded".

Without faith, i doubt if i'd be here.  Faith is omni-inherent.  Faith in God/de, faith in yourself, faith in Confucianism.  From Orthodox Jew to the blackjack player, faith is a big deal.  But what of the one who suffers.  Suffering is omni-inherent. I must remember that everything around me is omni-present but not necessarily inherent.

I had an "episode" at Christmas related to my medication.  I was experiencing extreme mental anguish, so much so it was completely impairing me and my functions.  We chose (rather, i suggested) Zyprexa....i just couldn't think of any other "type" of psychoactive drug that might make a difference.  Right away it was ZAP - GONE.  The anguish lifted.  It was heaven.  But in my 'infinite wisdom', i thought i shouldn't introduce a new drug at xmas time so i went off.  By Christmas Eve I was certifiable.  And i was so incredibly selfish.  I still think mental illness is a character flaw.  It is sad to think that way.

I had an "episide last August so i've had a bit of a journey.  I have to go see a shrink and have my meds reviewed.  Groan.  Dr. S. (the one i'm booked with is so yukky.  I used to accompany people i was working for there and he was nuts.  I should be grateful i worked in the field  to have this inside information and i thank god/de that i have enough brain cells left to investigate things plus the resources (thanks to my beautiful children to do so.  If he goes for complete med change then i will go for a second opinion.

There is so much information and experience  i can share about the experiences as my final analysis is complete "but not right now....soon....but not now"!  (the Gladiator with Russell Crowe who, in my dream world is my boyfriend!!).  It took me this long to write this.  I don't like writing in the first person so i shall focus on issues as they come up.
cheers, heather

January 16, 2012

Two or Three

I tussled with a good friend today about faith and understanding.  I have a pretty broad knowledge of things theological.  A solid enough foundation anyway with lots of experience under my belt now.  Anglican, Roman Catholic, Faith and Healing Pentecostal-type dudes, Quakers and (as a child) complete ignorance!

Evangelist.....must be the most difficult job outlined in the Bible as tasks for His Believers.  People actually do decry them often.  "Pentecostals" i used to say until i understood the distinction.  Pentecostalism is "wo/man made" as a denomination (practically) of Christianity.  "Evangelist" is a "calling", if you will - a desire to participate and share in their understanding of the faith, speaking of what is good and uplifting.  Evangelist reinforces and uplifts the believer and non-believers alike.  S/he can bring them in and they can steady one's path and you see the power in your decision to follow what Jesus said was the thing that brought us closer to God/de than anything:  LOVE.   I've never been attracted to that type of passion.  Except for Billy Graham.  I likee his position on ecumenicism and most humbly offered his interpretation of the fath.  His sincerity shone through often.

Many people say "God to church" to people with poor mental health.  Not easy to do when you have social phobias.  An so i think, ' let the image of "two or three gather in My Name" remind me that i don't have to go to formal "Wo/Man"-made church. 

My friend is an Evangelist but i told her she should be a preacher - she's really good at it.

So, remember:  Next time, you tell a depressed, anxious person to go to church,  remember what courage it takes to say 'no' and say why and think "...when two or three...."

January 15, 2012

I could not get into my account the past month and i wanted to blog SO much; it is insane how addictive "blogging" can become.  The illusion of anonymity and allure of faux connections!!

December 21, 2011

O, crikes, i really don't have enough objectivity to write in this blog right now.  Blessings for the Holy Days.