It's a beautiful view, yes? Taken at Stewart Lake in the Muskokas during our one week holiday there. Our cottage was right behind that. The sunrises were amazing and the stars in the evening were unfathomable, considering how few we see in the cities.
Swimming is such a release for me. The weight and limitations of the body are gone: a luxurious feeling. The waters were clear, the beach well-sanded and great luck! - some nice flat rocks to stand on. A great vista. A good vacation. I would like to thank my son-in -law and daughter for the blessing of 'tagging along'!!
I'm so blessed to have people around me who ground me. However, it's not hard to feel guilty about being ill. i work on not letting it interfere with what my needs are now.
I'd forgotten about me a long time ago!!.... and as some comic put it - "And, how's that goin' for ya', honey"!!!!
The guilt part is often crippling for me. Guilt and shame figure into one of the traumas i experienced so it's normal that it would disable me so much.
I've slowed down, immensely. I kept my day journal from the last week before my breakdown (in 2004) to remember why slowing down might have been a good idea back then (!!!) but here i am now, learning the lesson for the first time. Despite some people's view, "slowing down" is not as easy as it sounds.
After my husband left (2004), i started to gain control of certain areas of my life. Like finances (thanks to my wonderful son-in-law) and who i would and wouldn't see, predictablity, around people who cared about me, etc. BTW - this is a positive thing!!!
I think I'll end with that, thinking about Stewart Lake and sitting on the bench, (yes, bench!) toes dipped in lake water, talking and laughing. Hey WAIT - this is another positive thing!
1 comment:
Bean, you hit on something here with your thoughts about guilt and shame. I've come to sense guilt as a passing thing (so to speak) -- i.e., OOPS! -- I stepped on somebody's toes and I feel bad about it for a while afterwards. I don't feel bad for long, 'cause I didn't intend to step on another person's toes (especially when I'm dancing with my sweet man, whose poor feet have been tromped on countless times by moi).
But shame ... in PTSD, especially if another person has hurt you intentionally ... I find that "ordinary" guilt morphs into a black sludge and spreads through a person's entire psyche. Accidentally stepping on another person's toes (for example) becomes a self-attack. "I fucked up! AGAIN! I am a piece of camel dung!!" We dump contempt on ourselves for the crime of being alive, because we made a simple boo-boo like goofing up a dance step.
There's a particular "flavour" of insanity that comes with PTSD -- an insanity imposed from outside ourselves. An insanity of someone else's beliefs and actions upon us. An insanity of shaming, of smearing another person's soul.
Hoo, girl, you got me thinking. Thanks. xoxo
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