POST TRAUMATIC PATHS

June 12, 2009

Sometimes i wake up with dread, eyes pop open, wondering if i'm late for something. I realize i'm ok. phew. now i can focus. The grog of my brain tries to pry itself out and let unmedicated air seep in. I remember it's coffee time. I stumble across a spider plant along the way and realize its bone dry and i can't imagine how i let it happen and i look to remedy with tap and watering tin but i meet the coffee maker. Dripping, brewing, mantra of my day - 'drip, drip, drip'. It's my art, my flair for pleasure and all i want. Sigh. Did i really just spend forty-five minutes sipping my pleasure? I do love coffee.

REFRAIN
I love coffee. I love tea.
Ho, Mr. Mojo, put a pot on for me.
Coffee and tea tastes alot like me
perump, perump, perump, perumpy, do.

Medication has slowed me down enough for me to say - "O MY GOD - do you believe how green everything is". There are spores of something floating around. Not dandelion, something smaller. The temp. is perfectly suited for sweater or shirt. Traffic is very slow but there is a popular park at the end and people come and go. They're not in any hurry, though - that part is nice. They call this city "Forest City" and that makes sense in this part of town but that's not the whole of it. Development is spread out; so much land. It's very wet here. Very lush in most places in Ontario these days.

I think i saw a lynx today. It was amazingly primitive looking with high, hairy ears and a wide, grinning face.

A blog is what a journal really is. I've kept journals since i was a teenager, over forty years and i've burned two sets - it was ridiculous bunk, i thought, tossing the pages into the fireplace. I was saying - MOVE ON!! But, somewhat related, the journal is allegedly "private" but no, no folks - it's not. Ever had your sister or mother, etc., read your journal. Pretty much everyone has - so blogging is just stating it out loud. GO AHEAD - READ ALL ABOUT ME!!

Last week the squirrels were wild about our yard. There were six in total, frolicking. Literally! They were early spring born, i suppose. Or moms finally relieved of their duties!!

The week before, robins ruled and

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About Me

i was diagnosed with chronic and complex PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder in 2004. Required annual assessments for my insurance company confirm the original diagnosis. My M.D. is my constant medical support.

I am fifty-six; have a sweet family which includes my daughter and her partner and their three GORGEOUS children.

My life (since age nine) has been informed by several traumas, all of them yukky. Over time, "yuk" became my only viewpoint. In 2004, a new trauma cracked me open and there i was, surprised to find myself in "Never, Never (again will i have my old life back) Land". A nervous "breakdown", if you will; a major depressive episode requiring hospitalization.

It became clear to me that untreated PTSD is MISERY and HELL and i was living it. With a diagnosis under my belt, seeing few alternatives for treatment, I chose medication and talk therapy. Talk therapy didn't work out for me but my meds (and supports) hold me together. I continue with symptoms on a daily basis, some severe but i have made adaptations because of my illness for a better quality of life. I had almost, almost lost my mind - i never want to experience that again. and i do everything (except commit suicide) to prevent it from happening.

This is my Post-Traumatic path - to discover "me", behind all of "it". It would be nice if "it" had never happened but a life's to be lived in whole, not in part .