Mind, body and emotion: disconnect

As a PTSD sufferer, I experience a disconnect between what's happening to my body and what is going on in my mind.

When i went to Homewood (mental health facility in Guelph, ON, Canada) for eight weeks after my breakdown, the psychologist there diagnosed me with a somatic mental disorder as well as the PTSD. "Soma" - meaning body in Latin; "somatic - as related to the body. She explained to me how i "physicalize" (my word) my emotions. For example, when i am afraid, my upper arm throbs. My sciatica acts up when i am overwhelmed or moving into a heavy depression. My ears bung up and i can't hear when i am stressed (like when meeting a new doctor).

For "regular" people, smooth thinking (again, my word!) is common. It's not even relevant to think about the body, let alone the emotions behind an experience or thought. There really is not enough time. It's hard to separate them, mind and body and it is 'normal' not to engage in too much reflection so we no longer have the inclination to do so. We do not have many social rituals left, instructing us how to do so.

The movement of "getting in touch with your body" lost steam several years ago; again, good therapy inaccessible. Our generation (a collection of old toads) have been replaced by the "ME" generation, you know - the young pups reading "Atlas Shrugged" (by Ayn Rand) for the first time, thinking it's a new Bible!!

Self-interest rules. Focus, people, focus - y'ur out for y'urself there, buddy! Make it or break it. ME (mind), ME (mind), ME (mind). NOW, NOW, NOW. Next stop - in E.R. with heart or panic attack. God/de, life is nuts.

O God/de, I'm going way off on a tangent. Sorry.

It became a challenging symptom overall of my PTS disorder when my awareness dropped to a deeper level - now, when my arm throbs, i try to figure out if there is anything near by that i need to be afraid of OR if i am already afraid, my arm will start to hurt.

I am very tired of the relationship between my body and my mind. It has ever been thus and i loathe the events which began this conflict and disconnection. At times i try to negotiate and determine 'what's behind who' and 'where does it hurt' and 'who is that' and 'how do i get there safely' and 'please let me not stutter at the Convenience Store'; i still feel like events just flow by me, though. As i've mentioned before, all the planning i do is EXHAUSTING.

I believe PTSD is an emotional disorder as well as 'mental'. My mental and emotional tsunamis pre-breakdown are medicated and less disturbing and life-altering (negative) but confusion still reigns.

I'd like the body to just "smooth talk" with the mind and emotions and get together for lunch - they might as well get along. But, do they ever? Certainly not for the PTSDer because well, the body is, you know, disconnected.

I think we all know how i feel about emotion. Don't have one. Stay away. Yuk.

i know i've provided nothing new on the this subject but it is really helpful to work out the ideas floating around inside my head. I have to get them out or 'racing thoughts' and i do not like 'racing thoughts' AT ALL.