POST TRAUMATIC PATHS: I'm sad

September 1, 2011

I'm sad

Love's gain is pain and breaking points and so much confusion and anger at promises made and played out like battles fought and lost in No Mans' Land. Sadness inside of illness. Loss inside of a broken heart.

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About Me

i was diagnosed with chronic and complex PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder in 2004. Required annual assessments for my insurance company confirm the original diagnosis. My M.D. is my constant medical support.

I am fifty-six; have a sweet family which includes my daughter and her partner and their three GORGEOUS children.

My life (since age nine) has been informed by several traumas, all of them yukky. Over time, "yuk" became my only viewpoint. In 2004, a new trauma cracked me open and there i was, surprised to find myself in "Never, Never (again will i have my old life back) Land". A nervous "breakdown", if you will; a major depressive episode requiring hospitalization.

It became clear to me that untreated PTSD is MISERY and HELL and i was living it. With a diagnosis under my belt, seeing few alternatives for treatment, I chose medication and talk therapy. Talk therapy didn't work out for me but my meds (and supports) hold me together. I continue with symptoms on a daily basis, some severe but i have made adaptations because of my illness for a better quality of life. I had almost, almost lost my mind - i never want to experience that again. and i do everything (except commit suicide) to prevent it from happening.

This is my Post-Traumatic path - to discover "me", behind all of "it". It would be nice if "it" had never happened but a life's to be lived in whole, not in part .