When does "she's a bit quirky" become "she's off her rocker" to "stay away from her". My world has shrunk as i've progressed along the post traumatic path.
I have no interest in hearing new people's story. The reason - i've learned that i have a problem (um, big problem) with boundaries and i'll get involved without understanding the consequences. Of course, i'd become more discerning over the years but after my breakdown - all bets were off!
I had begun the big "slide" three to four months beforehand where, within six months, five people i supported committed suicide. One of them actually called me the day before and told me she hated me and that i was a lousy counsellor, a lousy person. I worked my buns off for that woman but, oddly enough, i blamed myself for her death. By death #5, they had to carry me home from the office.....and i never went back.
I have no interest in getting close to someone, possibly having them "tell me their story", pulling me into the web of question with no answers, pain with no release, and impenetrable defenses. No. No. No. I can pursue superficial relationships but my family and current friends are enough and certainly have enough joy and healthy drama for me to enjoy and be a part of.
Baby steps. Baby steps......remember "What about Bob" with Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfus? Well, i guess that's the reality for me but after i got ill, i realized that i had never fully understand (or agreed with) the prevailing mental health services concept of "recovery".
I can take a cab by myself now (after 4 years) - recovery or progress?? That distinction has long past mattered for me. I can't go to a dinner party but i ride a cab by myeslf and answer the phone when i need to (not whenever it rings)......that's me, now - me with new boundaries..... and a bit off my rocker. Me.
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