all or nothing.

There is a complexity to PTSD which i`m reminded of because of a friend who is going through similar difficulties. It is `wholitstic` is the sense that it affects each quadrant of life - the mental (intellectual), emotional, physical and spiritual.

The mental fog and confusion is an on and off-again experience. I never know when it might hit and leaving the house is always an adventure and risk. Ì will stutter and cry in stores when i don`t understand what people are saying to me. I don`t really read books anymore and rely on articles to get by on news, etc. My writing has improved, though, and not by accident. I think this blog is helping me get back into the practice and my articulation (with writing) has improved (i think!!). Getting lost while driving. Convinced that the person behind me will stab me. I mean - what kind of thinking is that.

The physcial affects the mental and vice versa. The emotional aspects of the illness compound and exacerbate the physcial problems (or weak spots) in our bodies. This is an element of stress (ie. - `why am i so tired`or `why is my back so sore` or `why am i feeling down) and we can, (if we don`t have a mental illness that goes along with our stress) get more sleep or slow down at work or go for a massage, spend more time with family, etc.

With mental illness, the physical and emotional crash into each other and unexpected, life-altering results occur. All of a sudden, i can`t sleep or even go to work if i wanted. i can`t get out of the house to go the massage, etc. etc. I sometimes can`t bathe because i hate the way water feels on my body (for whatever reason!!) and frankly, i don't have the physical strength to go through all the details involved.

The confusion over which aspect is kicking off whatever problem is overwhelming at times.

Spiritually, i choose to hold onto faith in order to inspire hope and maintain my focus on love. Some evangelistic folks (n.b. i am NOT evangelical!!) have told me that Jesus (or God) doesn`t want me to suffer and they want to pray over me. `He doesn`t want you to take the medication`. What a bunch of hooflah that is (and dangerous). Hooflah to me, not them, i guess. i stay far away from that interpretation of life!

God (neither male or female) has H(is) eye on me and perhaps is happy that i still believe despite evidence to the contrary. Love will continue to motivate me - God is Love - (St. John of the Cross). It comes in many shapes, forms, not in 'what we do' but in 'who we are'.

Illness can rob us of faith and hope but never love.

And so, mental illness is `wholistic` - bit of an all or nothing proposition, i guess.