rambling

Fear. It's a path, too, although it tries to make me think that, if I feel it, I am 'off the path', but nay - it's a path unto itself.

Fear of consequences. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of intimacy. Fear of losing job, car, house, security. Fear of death (if only i could be sure of heaven, then it wouldn't be so bad!!).

If only i could be "sure" at all times. I never really am and truly never have been, so the "unknown" (the rationale behind 'fear') holds me hostage. Love conquors all fear, or so the Christian Testemant says, so "love" seems to me the crux.
PTSD and writing
Watching my cursor float across the blank screen.

My writing/thinking/emoting often hides behind the stigma of the label 'mentally ill'. There's a freedom in it, i suppose (say what i want and blame it on the illness!), but for me, there is decorum and family to consider and my grandchildren. God forbid i should create any problems for them (and R. - this includes you). I'm not joking - i love my family so much, i count my blessings everyday by trying to honour who they all are.

Also, ach, that's not like me. I'm private and intend to stay OUT of the spotlight, thank you very much! My thirties and early fourties were all about "pick me" and success in regular employment was the focus and i more or less enjoyed it. But the allure slows down over time. Now, I'm content to see some of the fruits of my labour*, the most important, significant and important of which come from being a parent *(however it is one defines "labour").

As my family started slipping away from me (by death or because of it), all the 'artifice' of what i thought was important started disintegrating along with their memories. Perhaps this is what we are, our memories and this is what we leave behind. Some i'd like to let go of, some are precious, some are disturbing, some are life-changing. For politicians, their past can ruin them. For the rest of us, our past doesn't really have that much power. We all fall short...so why worry about it. I hope i've learned that lesson by now.

I'm going to be participating in a study from the local university on PTSD and LEARNING. I start this afternoon with a lengthy phone interview and then follow up visits. I will def. be chronicling this.