POST TRAUMATIC PATHS: The hysteria of anxiety

May 24, 2011

The hysteria of anxiety

FICTION
My anxiety underlines everything. When in a comfortable, safe environment i can articulate my feelings around whatever it is i'm anxious about. As previously mentioned, i am so grateful for the partner i have, that such a fella' would stay the course with a jelly-mind like me! And my daughter and her family. A friend or two (or three). God. There are little pockets of love and healing where anxiety is found. Otherwise, it sucks, of course. Bloody worry and fuss about everything. Racing thoughts....questions, questions, questions. "What about that?...Have you thought about this..." - o Lord or Lady, they are never-ending. Sometimes, depression is a break!hahahahah but, really, sleep is sometimes the only answer. But the rushing and spinning and speeding up and wanting so much to live and not die....completely irrational thinking. But, it's mine!!! And so...

What is it that drives anxiety? Depression? Lack of self-confidence? Low self-esteem? Severe (or otherwise) boundary violations (sexual abuse, rape?). Fear. Fear is what drives anxiety. Aha. We got down to it. What am i afraid of? Well, that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish, isn't it!

Of course, anxiety leads to panic and i am so grateful that only happens occasionally to me. I suppose panic is to anxiety what suicide thoughts are to depression.

Once in awhile, when i'm stupid enough to tell somebody about my illness, i get the line - "Yeah, depressed, down, like we all get"! Those are people i just like to call "wrong"!!!! (from T.V. commercial for Metamucil :) ). Anyways, i am better at it now (better boundaries) and do my best to recognize the misinformed and stay clear of them.

So, um, what are we afraid of? It certainly is scary; like going into a haunted house. TO BE CONTINUED

1 comment:

Jaliya said...: "... like a haunted house." ~ You've nailed it with these words. That's exactly it!

I have sometimes thought that we're not haunted so much by the dead as by the living ... and by our own cries of pain ...

Thanks, hon xoxo; Wednesday, May 25, 2011 1:39:00 a.m.

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About Me

i was diagnosed with chronic and complex PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder in 2004. Required annual assessments for my insurance company confirm the original diagnosis. My M.D. is my constant medical support.

I am fifty-six; have a sweet family which includes my daughter and her partner and their three GORGEOUS children.

My life (since age nine) has been informed by several traumas, all of them yukky. Over time, "yuk" became my only viewpoint. In 2004, a new trauma cracked me open and there i was, surprised to find myself in "Never, Never (again will i have my old life back) Land". A nervous "breakdown", if you will; a major depressive episode requiring hospitalization.

It became clear to me that untreated PTSD is MISERY and HELL and i was living it. With a diagnosis under my belt, seeing few alternatives for treatment, I chose medication and talk therapy. Talk therapy didn't work out for me but my meds (and supports) hold me together. I continue with symptoms on a daily basis, some severe but i have made adaptations because of my illness for a better quality of life. I had almost, almost lost my mind - i never want to experience that again. and i do everything (except commit suicide) to prevent it from happening.

This is my Post-Traumatic path - to discover "me", behind all of "it". It would be nice if "it" had never happened but a life's to be lived in whole, not in part .