Why exaggerated response? (a symptom of PTSD)
What startled and frightened us so much that we are still so anxious? I use to think E.R. was just an over-reaction to a shocking event. Like hearing the news of your mother's death and not being able to stop crying.
On further reflection, i realized i had been describing a REACTION rather than a RESPONSE. A 'response' requires some analysis and consent of opinion and behavior. A 'reaction' is immediate, without design or even self-awareness.
A 'response' is more complex and requires forethought. But both involve involuntary acts such as 'unconscious behavior'. If i just turned around and stabbed myself after hearing my mother had died, that would be an exagerrated response. Planning self-injurious behavior in an attempt to deal with emotional pain are also examples of exaggerated response. Seeking out abusive relationships in order to maintain the poor self-esteem the abuse effected (and cemented in) is an exaggerated response as well, i suppose. UGH. SLUG. Who would want me (because of what "i" did?/what happened to me/what i saw, etc. OOOps - i think that was the "Enraged Eyore" speaking (see three or four posts ago).
"Why don't i like myself?; I must be a schlep", all the way to "i wish i were dead" and everything else in between. Everyone deals with it but the constant nagging return of depression turns bitterness and resignation, it amplifies regrets and self-loathing. It's mind-numbing, depression is. Everything is seen in the light of failure. None of this "don't forget, you were a "....." and did did amazing in "......". That's all wonderful, truly, but why do i still feel like a slug crawling to safety.
Does the sadness really go away in time? Does time heal all wounds?; If you push "it" down, does "it" stay down? No.
After several mental "crash and burns" over the years, i never clicked into why they (not that i ever called them "breakdowns) happened. I never called them "breakdowns". I thought i just had to leave my job (although, usually in a crisis) every two or three years because i was "brilliant" and "different" and that i needed the time to "reflect" and "regroup" and "integrate" what i had learned and move on. I had to move residence almost as frequently although not necessarily at the same time. I did move three times on the one small street so my daughter had a long-term residence for some important formative years. Anyways, i needed six to eight months off to regain my balance - go to therapy somewhere or tend to some family emergency and then, out of desperation, i'd climb back out into the employment world for a few (maybe four) years. O, i'd perform like a star (at least i thought so!!!) and then burn out or become afraid that they would, you know, (shhhhh) find out!....that i was "...." and a "....." and a "....." and a...,etc, etc, - very little self-esteem as you can tell. ZOOM, we go. Bye Bye. This might be another example of exaggerated response??!!
When i cry at bank tellers. That might be another example.
"It clings like dust in the mind, blowing through memory spiderwebs", meaningless lines going nowhere". (Nice thought, didn't want to lose it.)
i wanted desperately to show my daughter a 'normal' life. But i also needed her to know how to survive, how to get through difficult situations, how to maintain 'faith' (in herself or whatever) as she will sometimes walk through the desert. That's what i did and did the best i could do. I hoped she knows how important these tasks were for me. Surviving and maintaining faith when the bottom looks close.
Life sometimes shatters like shards of glass from a dropped vase. There are critical moments, and the mind and spirit will be at their weakest and a crucial decision will have to be made and she will need to be strong and decisive. She is strong. I do. I want her to be strong. Before you are strong, you need to be learn compassion and kindness and she's already got that licked!
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