Miracles happen according to interpretation. A miracle to you, a curse for me, same way with the concept "recovery". You get it, i don't. What about hunger? I eat, you die". I'm pretty sure the idea of life having no absolutes presupposes the phenomena of "miracle". This begs the question - why you, not me? Life sucks, where you are or where you've been or where you're going. Whatever. At some point, it sucks. I've landed into "el Depresso" a Western town populated by sad people. Really. I'm working on being chipper but i'm feeling pretty restrained financially and that always bums me out. This one is heavier though - has more "pieces" to it. I've several epiphanies but nothing has panned out yet.
My new mantra is "R. is gone. My life starts now". That got me thinking how HORRIBLE it is to be treated in mental health facilities (except Homewood Hospital in Guelph, Ontario - a good, healing Centre). They get it there. You're a person. Something happened but you're still a person. Everyone i know and see, views me through a mental health lens now. Yay. I think that's why i like to be alone alot. No 'pictures' are being taken. I'm very paranoid about communications technology (probably why i seem to have some kind of curse with my cumputers!!)..., actually - the effect of WiFi especially, the cell phone complete takeover of the world and brain, the little pluggie earphone things that wreck your hearing by the time you're forty. What is a land-line anyways?!! O, man - it would be a miracle to slow down. You know - once in a while i like it when no one knows where i am and they have no way of getting in touch with me. It's very freeing!!
Hyper-vigilance has always made sense to me as it expresses in fear of the people around and my ALWAYS have to be vigilant of who is near me. Safe? Yes? No? i also can get over-whelmed with too much sensitivity arousal. Every arousal sensation or sound is amplified and is difficult to process. It starts to create confusion which can throw me into a flashback and i'm gone! I really have to live alone. Who ON EARTH would ever make sense of anything to do with my brain and then want to live with it!!!hahahaha. Well, life moves on. R. is gone. My life starts NOW!
P.S. Margaret Trudeau (ex-wife of a previous, now deceased Prime Minister, Pierre Elliot Trudeau. She makes me sick. No "normal" person can afford umpteen (or five years of therapy sessions, etc. etc. Of course you feel better. You've made a ton with your books!!!hahahaha
I really am praying for the grace of strength to hold my ground and stay clear of any thoughts i have of future relations with R. Ross is gone. My new life starnt now
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