Bulldoze it away

I have to return to the subject of childhood sexual abuse. I have experienced it, thought about it, screamed and kicked my through it, became silent about it, buried it, read alot about it, talked to many, cried with many and heard story after story that will always lead me back to my own. The thread that draws all the narratives together is how it ravages a life. Not whether it does, there's just differences in degrees and variables.

It snaps like a rubber band, back on itself. It burns a whole acre of opportunity and forges paths down wrong fields. I look around at progress and try to find my place and try to be happy with myself but can't see the forest for the tree. I process what to do every minute through some haze or another. i reverberate (like most survivors) between guilt and shame for everything. I lost touch with normal boundaries and I enter other worlds, uninvited and as for my own world - i create defenses to hide behind.

The book "Courage to Heal" provided me with three key learnings. !) mind and body are actually connected!! 2) the idea of "splitting", the mind leaving the body during trauma. (I did in my life all of the time...I just didn't have a name for it). 3) Naming is so important.

Probably the first thing a person who has experienced childhood sexual abuse has to deal with is "IT'S NOT MY FAULT". Can't move forward without dealing with that first.

This illness (C-PTSD) is insidious, multifarious and obscure. Roots? Causes? Cures? One social worker from the hospital told me the med game was really a crap shoot in many regards and i believe him but also know i am need of the assistance of the people who designed the game. Not entirely sure what i mean by that but that could come to me another day. I'm tired of fighting.

I do know i'm happier (much) than i was before my breakdown. I'm slower and more cautious, more cynical and critical, maybe and more out of touch - but it's all a trade-off, i figure. I would never want to go back to what i was. How really horrible i felt about myself then

This week has been full of crises and surprises and concerns. Each one should be a learning experience, i guess, but i'm also tired of the scrapes and bruises.

Sigh. p.s. I don't know if the word multifarious is real or relevant. I just thought it sounded good.

p.p.s - the reason i had to return to this subject was because i had just seen a television program featuring the subject and at the end of it thought - 'i just wish perpetrators would understand how they can fuck up a person's whole life with a wrong decision'. It's crazy. Bulldoze it away. Don't keep lists.