I don't like the new style format and so might find a different spot to blog. I'm going to snoop around.

So much of life is sometimes unexpected. Conception, revolution, creativity, death, inspiration, divorce, mental illness, et al. Vie - mais oui? I've been the raving she-wolf sometimes because of injustice and then purring mommy cat, wanting to give give away - the T.V., the car - anything, all i have. That, i realized is why i have nothing!

I used to worry alot about that - why did i not have an attachment to "things" like my siblings did. but the better question now is, "why do i want to give everything away?". And, truthfully, i think it's a bit pathological and obvious. I want to be accepted, fear of staying in one place, a sense of "place" by being different, the whole ca-ca deal with that family thing with the will (o, god/de). etc. blah, blah. But there we see it as "pathological". What if it was simply philanthropic? What if it was a desire to give all because of some spiritual end or human compassionate act. My Aunt Mary used to say "Charity begins at home". No - charity is everwhere after your needs are met. So what are my needs? Maslow's whole list, i suppose. That's about it.

But now, i am trying to cozy up for the winter in my new digs. I like them and i like that my granddaughter (age four) can come down, snuggle and fall asleep in my arms in bed with me. I'm CONSTANTLY losing things and she is the best retriever EVER!! My little darlin'. "I know where it is, Nan" - she says to me. One day i heard my grandson tell one of his friends trying to explain why something wasn't ready - "You know how Nana forgets things sometimes" and the friend said "O, yeah, right" - no judgment, just a statement of fact!!! It was very cute.

I have always enjoyed being around young life and the crazy, exciting years of development. I also enjoyed the young students in University who i lived next door to - i think i had met four sets of them. One fellow was particularly endearing to me. I miss him alot. But here are these young people with dreams id going into the world to make as much as they can. My most recent ex used to get so discouraged as a professor - seeing how conservative and market oriented many of the youth are. But i would always encourage him - the liberal battle is worth fighting. If we but touch one life...So little focus on teaching the classical, past and current civil unrest has defined every country. What matters more - things or people? There are so many things and with the deification of Steve Jobs technology is, and will remain the present and the future. I am a complete BONEHEAD because i don't want ANYTHING permanent. It scares the hell out of me.

REDO - i used to love to redo my life, my home, my city, my friends, etc. I was the "Queen of Change". At some point i stopped enjoying it as it became an onerous curse and chain around my neck. Like it is right now. I just want to huddle down for the winter - ( Gol/de, i'm freezing in this house!! - but i'm a firm believer in "well then, put on a sweater"!!, an admonishment my mother would say to us at the cottage when we were talking 'see your breath in the morning' cold' !!!.